EP.54: Amanda Brisebois—“If You Want to Be An Artist, Go to Business School”
February 18, 2021
Dirty Little Secrets of the Automotive and Skilled Trades Industries-Part 1
March 3, 2021
Ep:59--Barbie, The Welder-- “F*ck You Fuel”
Barbie's Contact Info:
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/barbiethewelder/Facebook: https://web.facebook.com/BarbieTheWelder
Youtube: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCLWMMWUO-0cHgQakksJNwKQ
Tiktok: https://www.tiktok.com/@barbiethewelder?lang=en
Transcript
[0:00] If I can pull my ego out of the way and talk about something that's scary and shit to talk about,maybe someone else gets to see or listen to that podcast and go you know what if she did so can I,
like wait a second I don't have to be miserable all my life yes it's humbling as shit to go back and relive stuff that I am so not proud of.
But again it's made me who I am today and today I cannot tell you how much I love myself how proud I am of myself,
and should I should I die tomorrow I'm like in a lot I'm proud of me you're listening to Femcanic Garage the podcast that features women in the automotive and Motorsports industry.
A community that elevates and powers and evolves by smashing stereotypes and breaking down barriers for women I'm your host Jayme Blasiman.
Buckle up for the ride them Femcanics.
[0:54] Music.
[1:11] She is an author teacher of welding via her YouTube channel influencer with over 62,000 Instagram followers but most impressive is how she has become a world-renowned metal Sculptor,
creating sculptures for Miller welders Carolina shoe company Harley-Davidson and other major companies.
Barbie pulls back the curtain and shares her struggles throughout her journey sit back and enjoy the ride.
Hello Femcanics this is Jayme B coming to you and I have Barbie the welder in the hot seat today. How are you doing today Barbie?
[1:49] Excellent thank you so much for having me I'm really grateful for I'm actually excited that on that last minute we decided to do video with this as well so who knows we may all get a surprise and see some video to see our.
Well my fat head with a big fat microphone in front of my face and Barbie with her cool ask garage and all her goodies
in the background there so Barbie thank you so much for hopping on here and taking the time to spend
with the Femcanic community to share a little bit about your story
a lot of the community already knows about Barbie the welder I don't know how you can't you are all over,
social media and the internet the audience knows a little bit about you but what I'd like to do is just kind of back up a little bit
and dig into kind of before you became a welder and we talked a little bit about this and there was another podcast where you decided to kind of pull back the curtains
and
allow yourself to be vulnerable around some some of your past and before we started the interview I asked you if you're open to the idea of doing that again.
[2:59] For the Femcanic community because it was very very powerful I saw the Instagram post that you made and I'm like wow I was just I literally got goosebumps when I read it,
and I'm like you had cool points with me before and it just went off the charts for me because anyone can have a facade but,
you you got real you got raw and you got vulnerable and I have so much respect for you for doing that and I'm going to shut my mouth because I'm just babbling now but can we kind of,
take a step back before you became a welder in,
pull back the curtain a little bed to see kind of give us that journey of how you arrived at being becoming a welder how far back do you want me to go have you always wanted to be a welder.
[3:49] No actually the so welding I was actually introduced to welding in BOCES I went to when I was in high school I was actually in the Alternative High School the kids for the bad kids up a quote marks in the air because they're not bad,
they just don't learn the traditional way and their board speaking for myself but.
High School I was at was for the kids that couldn't handle themselves and Traditional School,
it was lucky enough to be on the campus that we call it BOCES it's a vocational educational program.
And so the kids would go there for auto mechanics Body Work Small Engines there's cooking there's head there's all these different programs that,
usually during your junior high school year you can choose and go half a day too and when I was over in that school like that was my school full time because that's where our school was,
there's actually a welding class in there and I just kind of stand at the window there's like this no like a little school door window just and the window kind of stare I didn't know you weren't supposed to do.
But it was just mesmerizing to me those are first time ever seen welding but it I wasn't on like
oh my God I want to do that it was just something that I'm just like this is cool when it is even though you burned out the retinas of your eyes I'm sure there was a sign on the door that said.
[5:11] But I'm that person right like the signs mean nothing to me and they go rules are made to be broken I saw there but it just wasn't something like my first love was on mechanics and my goal.
From probably like 13 or 14 was to own my own garage
it's just something that like my dad was a diesel mechanic and so I grew up watching him working on these big army trucks and this is so appealing to me that and I love working with my hands like from a young age my dad would happy with them so,
I'm being my hero I just wanted to go into auto mechanics like my dad who is my hero,
that makes sense that makes perfect sense yeah I know you used air quotes around that's where the bad kids go right I don't know how old you are in Paris but I'm 41 years old and,
when I was in high school that that was kind of the stigma around it right,
because I was it was pounded into my brain you know graduate from high school and go to college and I tell everyone now that if I were to go back and do it all over again,
I'm not sure I would do that I think I would go the trade school route and I would I would want to do something that's working more with my hands,
because I was recently diagnosed with ADHD and when I look back on my.
[6:31] My childhood it became clear to me like oh my God that's why I struggled with those things,
let me touch on something real quick cuz I don't want to get it misconstrued the BOCES classes that were up there they weren't for the band kids,
the BOCES classes were on this campus but also so was the school for the bad kids anyone in high school went to those classes and I hope I didn't get that Twisted I didn't mean to lie,
mix that up the school that I went to was for the kids who got kicked out of regular school,
just happen to be on the same campus as a bowl six classes were got it it wasn't so I apologize if I screwed that all up and no no I think you hit it hit the nail on the head did you end up getting kicked out of school then,
yeah I was kicked out of school long before I went to Melissa okay so I got kicked out of a bar since high school I got kicked out a horse sets in 10th Grade,
and got sent out to the school for the bad kids that year right around midterms and before finals at your I actually got kicked out of the school for the bad kids as well,
um
[7:50] It was a bunch of stuff put together but when I was in my original school I actually went to school to drink and we're talking again this is tenth grade so 14 years old,
my body would bring in a bottle of Jack Daniels and I had cigarettes because I was buying cigarettes time they weren't as strict as they are today,
but I was actually going to school and before homeroom in the morning I was sitting in the stall of the girls room and I was drinking Jack Daniels and smoking cigarettes,
like a grown-ass little woman wow.
But that actually didn't even get me kicked out sometime in there and my timelines a little fuzzy because of.
[8:30] What I've done in my life I work hard.
Keep my shit straight with times but sometime during I believe it was 10th grade I also overdosed on speeders.
I was in class part of the time when I was there I was an asshole and when I wasn't there Ramen the roads I would skip school and go over that you don't I just I was miserable in school,
I didn't fit in with the kids you know I like cars from early age so jeans and t-shirts and steel toe boots is literally been what I wore for kids that are popular in school I just said hey day with me.
So you are regularly bullied,
up until I think it was about 14 when I finally stood up to a girl that was bullying me I just got.
Pulling from a little function that time I was a little kid like real little that bully 14 I think it's the first time I've ever stood up to 1.
And it was probably one of the best days of my life and still stands to this day because it was just such a freaking.
[9:37] It was a freeing moment because I feel like push it backed off because when I finally stood up to her she was asleep.
This is a proud right she doesn't cheer mine anymore so like ever since I like the kids that got off the bus that day of one got to see you so everyone know.
But it took me years to to get like finally snapped and there's actually a lot of stuff that.
I was just a rough day altogether if I'm going to go down I'm gonna go down fighting kind of thing right you were in high school you were kicked out of high school.
Then you went it was like a vocational school,
no it was just called Alternative High School Alternative High School so it's Alternative High School is if you can't handle yourself in a normal school environment we have an alternative,
it's where all the kids in the area that couldn't handle themselves in a regular High School it was a kids that were skipping school kids that were,
the attitude problems dealing drugs out like they just took all of us and put us in one school from all this all the kids in the school district so late from,
I think four different high schools is somewhere around in there so I showed up there take it I was Barbie badass and I was sadly mistaken.
[10:56] I just wanted to skip school what sent you down that path a lot of stuff so I started out with really low self-esteem and getting bullied I found.
Drugs I started smoking at nine years old smoking cigarettes they found drugs and alcohol probably around 13 ish somewhere around in there.
And fully embraced it because it was escape from me hating myself it was a way for me to distance myself from people but it was also.
If it's a facade is the right word but basically it was is my hard candy shell hmm I don't want no one to come in and as I look like a little badass like drinking and you know in the school bathroom at 13 to 14 like where's my Jack Daniels and
kids trying to gave me a wide berth but I started doing shit like that and I was showing up at class drunk.
[11:48] And doing the drugs and stuff it started like people started leaving me alone a little bit and so I embraced that going,
get going over to the other school I got over there like there's kids that are like violent I just want to be left alone really like that was my whole thing is just like just leave me the fuck alone I'm just I've had it you know it's just.
I hated myself and I hated other people and so like doing like doing all that stuff was just like I was just round and,
no I was just drown in the feelings and building the wall and that alternative school you ended up getting kicked out of as well,
is that correct I did so that one I went over there and I continue doing the drinking and stuff but at the time I run away probably a couple of times,
and I was just a miserable kid in general my parents are really great people along very much but I was asked showed up you know I'm saying like this,
showed up with an attitude and everything else and nothing they could do except well.
[12:50] I like to Ram the roads I have been a freedom based person since I was - since I was born.
And so like I like to come and go as I please I wanted to hang out with my friends and.
I'd already like missed a bunch of school because of either running away or being locked up from being arrested or whatever it was and they're just like you miss another day you're going to have a problem like you're going to get kicked out.
And my friend had was going to a party decided to go to the party.
Get out in the physical altercation with my dad over wanting to leave which like 14 I had no I'm saying like
out a whoop my ass and my kids ever pull that shit on me on the saying but you know we had a physical altercation my friend's dad came to pick me up,
took us to the party and sat down to the party you know hammered drunk and because that's what I did and miss school the next day I showed up at maybe like 1:30 in the afternoon I could try myself off the floor.
And they're just like you're going to go and sit in the ISS which is in-school suspension saying there and they're like come into the before the end of the day and they're like no we gotta let you go we can't have you in school if you're viewing this song.
They kicked me out and chance grade.
And I actually tried I like for my entire 10th grade year and half a credit for like both schools for the tires so I waste the whole year there but.
[14:16] I wanted to go into.
Like my only thought because my dad was military like so he was work for the Army and I'm like I want them to know I want to go into the military like that was what I thought was like the answer to.
So I get an education they're like I'm gonna go shoot guns like you know like go survived get jacked up and you know I'm saying like I had like I said my dad was my hero so I'm like I want to go I want to be like come,
so I was thinking I'll go into the Air Force and like the only Ranger school,
cool shirt I called them and they're just like yeah you need a high school education I'm like both everyone's there I'm like well not what I'm supposed to do so I spent a pretty aimless summer this.
Being an ass and drinking and stuff but.
I love going back to school I don't know how I talked myself into it with my mom talking in order how it happened but I end up back in 11th grade.
[15:08] And the thing is that the time I wanted auto mechanics and that was part of the reason I'm such an ass bone schools I want an automatic Annex because the BOCES courses had an automatic Annex.
And I went to them and like 9th to 10th grade I'm like what do I need to do to get into auto mechanics and they're basically like it's for the boys like don't you,
cosmetology or cooking would be better no you said I still can't do my hair this is a stylistic stab me doing my hair braided every now and then we have learned to braid my hair,
yeah I Want It All mechanics is just what I love I love engines and motors and anything that goes fast and you know I'm saying like just sign me up like Mom or races like I'm there that I just love racing cars motors,
they were just like there is totally sexist about it so finally like like I hit that luck because I was one of the reasons I'm like I'm just like screw you guys like you're not going to get me what I want I'm just going to be the bane of your existence.
[16:02] Overachiever no matter what I do right I'm being good and being really good I'm being bad even better yeah I love this Korean I'm like I wanted,
one of the auto mechanics really bad then they're like finally after like you know 80 times of being sexist with me and they're just like get your shit together and we'll put you in auto mechanics next year but you have to have these credits.
And so I do believe this is how it went 11th grade I got my shit together because I wanted on mechanics I'll do whatever it took,
I got the highest grades in the school three semesters running I had the highest grades in high school.
2nd 3rd and 4th semester wow because I wanted one of the on mechanics I'm capable of a smart girl give me motivation right because I'm just like,
you're going to treat me like an asshole I'm going to give you a saw like that's just yeah you know like the whole attitude I got my crap together I'ma still partying,
but I just on a level where I'm like I'm just going to go to school and handle my shit because I want that,
and then in between 11th and 12th grade over the summer I got pregnant for my oldest son,
also made me really really reflect on like I've got someone else responsible for now besides myself went back my senior year got auto mechanics and brought my baby to school that's.
[17:20] Awesome wait how did having him change you.
I still have the depression and I still like well I was pregnant I behave myself but after I gave birth dumb I was still smoking weed on a daily basis the drinking.
[17:39] Casually like I'd wait for him to go to bed and would party but.
It was such a huge challenge his dad was never there like I got pregnant and like it was a,
nightstand you are what 17 16 I was 16 when I got pregnant I was 17 and I had them because you always making wise decisions at that age,
but yeah the dad this was never there and so I was physically emotionally and financially available or.
Responsible for human being is 17 years old and I wasn't even responsible not being on my own shit.
Get a full-time position full-time job he's crazy I got a full-time job my senior year so I was going to school full-time.
[18:22] And I was working five days a week stocking shelves,
so like I would leave school I have my son with me at school because I was already at the school where they had a daycare program so like I'd bring him in the morning we'd have breakfast together without lunch together,
and then my mom would come pick me up after school and they would drive me to the grocery store,
they watch my son while I worked until 11 o'clock at night and start all over again the next day if you ever look back and wonder how you did it yes,
yes and I want to address this because because you're being very open and vulnerable about these things and being a parent now and you're a parent,
when a child acts a certain way Society.
[19:11] Judges the parent and I want to totally I want to give some space and talk a little bit about your parents I don't want anything unjustly.
To be put out there and people make assumptions,
and I know this interview is about you and part of you is your childhood and your parents you sounded like a Hellion if you think about it Barbie and how many children do you have I have two boys,
two boys if you had a girl in the girl did what you did right as a parent is there anything that you want to say about your parents so that the audience.
Understands the parent I'm sitting here thinking it's like shit I it's like oh my God I don't know what I would do like.
[20:03] There's me and thinking of my childhood self that once this freedom and then there's me as a parent right now.
Sitting there thinking my God I don't I don't know how to help my child.
Because you would mention just once depression in I don't want to make an assumption but when you were this is a question when you were in high school did you suffer from depression during that time.
[20:31] Looking back I had depression from a really young age I think long before I get high school actually.
Starting off the flight parents my parents are amazing human beings,
they actually tried for 10 years to have me or told by several doctors that they couldn't have kids.
And my mom didn't give up and my dad didn't give off.
And ten years later after going through surgeries and everything else natural naturally had a baby.
Guess who shows up no surprise were surprised it's not like it's just like I feel like the worst kid in the world I know,
we both dated how we all did the very best we could with what we had so growing up my parents wanted to give me the most amazing life ever.
I'm parents read all like the doctor Spock books my mom ended up becoming a vegetarian because she read that like the food and that like before it was cool right so I was born in 76 it's a put out there I'm 44 years old.
My mom did homeschooling before it was cool my mom did what's it called the composting and just like she just like so like you know Little House on the Prairie my mom made my clothes for me like so deadly.
Everything that you could think of the parent that loves a child would do and like some stuff that like I love my kids up on some I'm with you here's my G.
[22:01] But with love and with the most beautiful and purest intentions my parents just did all these things.
To honor their children and give their children the best possible life ever okay so here's like this you know they got to have a smell right,
and then Here Comes This literally like this feral little girl that like you can't keep shirt on me and can't keep shoes on me I want to play in the woods I just am literally like literally came out like a feral Little Wolf,
I need freedom and I don't understand it it's just like such a just.
[22:38] I like I said I wish I had better words for it but like I did it came out of like came out of the womb like Braveheart like screaming Freedom like I just need to Rome,
the words and play and know my mom and dad Barbie you need to make a little cartoon of yourself,
well I would like if you guys ever seen a book Where the Wild Things Are like I'm Max like that's,
me I'm Alice in Wonderland and I'm Max from Where the Wild Things Are like this is just who I am.
And it's no one's fault it's just it's a it's a shuffle the deck is you know of who you get for parents and we get her kid and just like their need to protect me,
it was a last thing the world that I want to get five years old I ran away from the first time with my little red wagon filled with underwear and a stuff down because I'm just like let 5 years old and listen there's never been any malice on my part it's just like this is just.
Who I am and they just wanted to protect me and so it started out with a giving my hair Cox and like the kids in the neighborhood came from we literally live next door to the principal of the school.
And I like we were in a teacher neighborhood but here's my mom like I want to give my kids the best education and wants to home-school me laugh protect them from the big bad world.
[23:58] And I want to saw me as a free,
she gets her hair cut you know at home her mom makes your clothes like everything that my mom and dad wanted to do these kids look at it and you're like what is wrong with this girl.
[24:11] I didn't get invited to any of the,
you know the neighborhood kids parties and I just wanted to go to a kid's birthday party I want to be part of like as a young kid I just wanted to fit in a lot of the go out and play my parents just kept me separated.
So I had like zero social skills plus the bowl-cut you know I mean literally I've got pictures
I had a mullet Barbie oh man I rocked the mullet it was bad my fifth grade
I had the mullet perv and fifth grade I got pictures of oh yeah you got the perm,
oh yeah we we all have that Elementary School picture that is glorious
it is glorious is such a great word for it the mall it's coming back on Washington I'm not gonna rock that I'm just going to stare I love my hair.
Yeah like my childhood like my parents had the just best purest like.
[25:07] Just just so pure intentions,
and just me naturally being me I'm just like I just like I said I was born feral is it like oil and water we just did mix and it was just like I know they loved me and I know I love them.
Yeah we got judge harshly yeah I'm sure the neighborhood probably tore them a new asshole to you know it's just.
[25:32] But I was in my own little world of just like you know I did get to go to school in 5th grade,
and like the kids were just so mean and like like I said I'd Siro social skills because I was just I got to see my cousins.
And like I've seen all my family but it was like so rare to see my cousin sleep just like when I finally did hit school they end up moving us halfway through fifth grade for me so I was 10 they moved me up to another school,
and within like I don't know within like two weeks ago into that school I catch lice from whoever,
and like that was like you know to solve that my mind is buzzes my hair I'm a fox say it on the stand I'm just gonna do drugs you know what I just like that was the answer like that was depressed because of,
what's our first human need and that's to fit in and then I just did right was the bane of my existence.
Working with my hands in my shop like that was my Escape right because like.
My mom was riding my ass for stuff and I get it like as a parent now they should have put bigger boots on the stump them unfold my ass which,
they tried it said God I think it was like 12 or 13 the first time I ran away and it's just like there wasn't even any malice behind it again it was just like.
[26:49] You guys are putting yourself on me man I just need some Freedom like 8 o'clock bedtime for 12 no 12 year old I'm like I know whatever grade I was and I'm just like dude I can't and I can't do this I just need to go I just.
I can't have you ride my ass I'm so sick and tired of you telling me you know like it was it was a perfect storm of,
like my kids can't get away with shit because I know like I used to sneak out of my bedroom window I'm like around my son's house you know you're like you cannot trick the tricksters kids,
and you know what like both times I got pregnant I'm like boy boy boy boy boy cuz it's just like I knew who I was I was like there's no way like,
kilogram you know I'm saying but it was just like you know looking back I'm so grateful for my boys,
growing them pretty amazing right because like still chosen jeans I would have taught her to be a tough girl and maybe like making shit in the garage all right yeah yeah yeah both my boys turned out really really good even though like I said my,
I was I was 16 when I got pregnant for my older son now he's 27 today and just turned 27 the beginning of this month.
Best thing that's ever happened to me is being a parent mmm right it slowed me down not all the way right because it took me.
[28:09] Yeah he's like eight or nine when I really started getting my shit together I went through some really bad shit when he was a kid.
And he went through all this stuff with me tiger you know his dad wasn't around,
and this young man we basically grew up together it was my best friend who never had to go home wow was finally going to say like I'm conditional love for the first time in a long time I fell unconditional love and.
So he was like my savior for a long time but because I was so mature like really raised and is my best friend.
And so like I wasn't strength like I mean like yeah he had a lot of responsibilities no at 5 years old like I taught him to do his laundry when she started at 3 but if I use completely responsible for his laundry because I'm like.
Here's a detail dude like I've gotta work I gotta you know I'm going to do this I'm going to handle the bills like.
[29:01] You you handle your stuff I'll handle my stuff and we're going to have a lot more time together if you do it but like made it fun,
some like you was very responsible that young age but you'd also be like at five years old he's like hey can I say shit I'm like not in front of Grandma and Grandpa.
So we walk that line you mention depression do you still struggle with depression how did you work your way through that because there's there's going to be,
listeners where it's like I feel this now,
in it just feels hopeless and I feel helpless I don't know what to do I don't know where to go because when people look at your stuff now Barbie.
[29:44] There are tons of people that I'm sure are are so impressed maybe jealous maybe envious where it's like oh my God she's doing all of these things getting to work with her hands it but.
All of it's a journey in people often times just see the end result,
and not the struggle and that's why I respect and that's why I'm spending more time on this because any of the listeners can go to your social media social media page Facebook you name it read your book all of these things.
And see where you are at now but what what I want people to understand is that there is struggle every Journey has a struggle and there is no shame in it.
Yeah if you look at my social media now my life is a Sizzle reel it's very surreal.
[30:37] But like you said it was struggle I didn't know that I was depressed until I was hospitalized for.
[30:48] I'm going to say my drug addiction I turned myself into a couple friends so I had take me to the hospital because I was so deep into cocaine that was hearing voices.
What's a good story.
But once I got into the hospital and like I said I don't know the exact timeline this is I don't know how long I was in a school for but some time during my stay there and.
I'm going to go on the hard side of assumption and say it was definitely a couple months.
But I can't remember exactly how I feel like some point I need to just get hospital records and look and see how long it is I don't know if they would give them to me but whatever I was actually in.
[31:30] The BSU the Behavioral Science unit when they,
went to sober me up there to put me in like this lockdown section because I was really messed up and that's an understatement I couldn't write my name was this before or after your son was born yeah he was 6 years old got it.
It was six years old and had a point I'd actually and this is actually before I got into cocaine I was just.
Doing read that long story longer broke up with my husband who is violent against my son I left him that day I said no more,
went to my mom and dad's house and said we need to move in we cannot live with my husband anymore because he's violent towards my son she told me he can live here and you can't and I don't I don't know why I still to this day don't know why,
I have no clue have you ever asked her I can't remember if I had.
[32:22] It just doesn't make any sense to me right at her and I butted heads a lot I love her all my heart she's an amazing human being.
[32:32] We haven't always seen eye-to-eye I'm not exactly sure why.
[32:38] But damn if my kid came to my door and said that they'd be living here without you thinking but we're also two different people.
Remember to different parents right I'm sorry Barbie I'm just curious you said that your ex-husband was violent towards your six-year-old son.
Yes he kept them like a football and so I left that was the first and only time that he went put a hand on him like that.
What there was no like hey let's try to work it out I said fucking out of here lock myself in the bathroom until I get him off of me and then.
[33:13] We moved out that day I had the back up on that when I when I heard that because.
[33:24] You just continue to impress me and in that there's something to be said for that right that is an abusive relationship.
And to not make an exception I want to give you kudos for this because when your willingness to open up and share this stuff even though you were in.
The space that you were in as a parent you always.
You didn't allow any exception for your son meaning as it relates to protecting him and kudos for you.
[34:01] True on that and I appreciate it very much but the next part of the story is me leaving my son at my mom and dad's house.
Because I knew I could take care of them and so like I feel like I'm trying not to.
[34:18] It was we tried living with them in my car for a couple days but do we need to be in school and leaving at my mom and dad's was.
I love my husband I didn't have anything I have a pot to piss in or a window to throw it out of my store our stuff and I truck at math.
So I wasn't in a position financially to get us an apartment or even anything else so leaving him I moms.
After a couple of days was what I felt was but the best thing was which.
[34:50] It is what it is hate myself for like fucking hated myself for it because.
[34:59] I wasn't smarter about finances I didn't think about having money set aside I didn't you know I'm like here like I'm his only parent that's in his life and I leave him with Grandma and Grandpa and all of a sudden I was mom's gone,
scumbag real all scumbag Curry but it is part of who I am it's part of his my story.
We couldn't have a better relationship today and like it took me months to get him back after that and.
[35:28] Leaving him there in the guilt behind a a marriage not working and then be not being able to provide for my son as what left let me to cocaine abuse.
I thought work your husband that you left was not his biological father is that correct it was not his biological father,
before I got married okay and that's ultimately what started the guilt around that is what started the cocaine abuse,
yes I looked at the coke as a means to an end my goal,
my brilliant fucking thinking in all of this was I'm going to buy coke,
and I'm going to sell it because I had a little bit of money so I was like I can buy it I can sell it I can make enough money quickly and then be able to get a place for me and my kid.
And it didn't work out like that I broke the cardinal rule number one selling drugs and ask don't get high on your own Supply.
I saw a little bit of it I did some bartering for it but I really enjoyed it.
[36:37] And so I got into a really freaking heavy and like every penny I make with it I turn around and get more in the back of my head I'm like yeah I will go and sell this but it just never turned out like that and so I just.
That my friend had like where I was living like I ended up living in the woods,
a buddy of mine had weed my other friend had liquid acid and I had the Coke in the three of us just kind of hung out in the woods and people have come to see us by shit sometimes but mostly.
It be the three of us living in the woods and just getting messed up how long did your son stay at your folks house then there's this period of time and then you said there was you got to the point where you checked yourself in.
For Rehab.
[37:24] And you think maybe it was a couple months in there or yeah I think a couple of months yeah it was definitely.
[37:34] Hello man.
[37:38] It was warm so I'm going to guess what because he was still in school so I'm going to guess like.
[37:47] May or June is.
Because he was like I said he was still in school but it was warm enough for us to be outside and this is Upstate New York so I'm going to say it was like May or June.
[38:01] And then he was in school when I got them back.
[38:09] And I'm going to say that was like early fall so there's a good six month period so between the give or take about a good five or six month period between the time I.
Started the coke got into it so heavily it's like I said I was doing other stuff as well as doing the acid and I've been smoking weed pretty much.
Since I can remember probably since I was like 13.
[38:35] Drinking since around then so I'm getting all that bleep then the coconut acid on top of all the stuff that I was doing and this wasn't just like oh tonight scope to my it was just like everything at once,
hated who I was hated the fact that I left my son hated that I didn't have a way to make money I did but I screw that one off,
just.
Depression on top of all that other stuff and then adding or editing the drugs on top of the depression adding up and just basically sit on the woods felt real fucking sorry for myself for a while and.
[39:09] Barely survived like just barely survive them have you in your son ever talked about any of that.
[39:18] Yeah I'm very open with him about that.
[39:25] We have an amazing relationship today he is actually.
[39:30] One of the main reasons I'm still full time artist because even I don't go I don't always make the best decisions.
[39:39] So probably like for four years ago so about a year year and a half into being a full-time artist four-and-a-half somewhere around in there.
I got in a relationship with a guy who used me for my money he saw it he saw me cashing in my money for my work he saw that I had a nice chunk of money.
And use me and then beat me up when it was done using me for my money and if it wasn't for my son taking me in.
I wouldn't have my business but literally dislike took me in a four and a half years ago so.
I'm much better today I stay single for long bringing time afternoon now when you say he beat you up like literally physically roughed you up.
Pick me up and put me in the windshield of a car why.
Starting off the flight parents my parents are amazing human beings,
they actually tried for 10 years to have me or told by several doctors that they couldn't have kids.
And my mom didn't give up and my dad didn't give off.
And ten years later after going through surgeries and everything else natural naturally had a baby.
Guess who shows up no surprise were surprised it's not like it's just like I feel like the worst kid in the world I know,
we both dated how we all did the very best we could with what we had so growing up my parents wanted to give me the most amazing life ever.
I'm parents read all like the doctor Spock books my mom ended up becoming a vegetarian because she read that like the food and that like before it was cool right so I was born in 76 it's a put out there I'm 44 years old.
My mom did homeschooling before it was cool my mom did what's it called the composting and just like she just like so like you know Little House on the Prairie my mom made my clothes for me like so deadly.
Everything that you could think of the parent that loves a child would do and like some stuff that like I love my kids up on some I'm with you here's my G.
[22:01] But with love and with the most beautiful and purest intentions my parents just did all these things.
To honor their children and give their children the best possible life ever okay so here's like this you know they got to have a smell right,
and then Here Comes This literally like this feral little girl that like you can't keep shirt on me and can't keep shoes on me I want to play in the woods I just am literally like literally came out like a feral Little Wolf,
I need freedom and I don't understand it it's just like such a just.
[22:38] I like I said I wish I had better words for it but like I did it came out of like came out of the womb like Braveheart like screaming Freedom like I just need to Rome,
the words and play and know my mom and dad Barbie you need to make a little cartoon of yourself,
well I would like if you guys ever seen a book Where the Wild Things Are like I'm Max like that's,
me I'm Alice in Wonderland and I'm Max from Where the Wild Things Are like this is just who I am.
And it's no one's fault it's just it's a it's a shuffle the deck is you know of who you get for parents and we get her kid and just like their need to protect me,
it was a last thing the world that I want to get five years old I ran away from the first time with my little red wagon filled with underwear and a stuff down because I'm just like let 5 years old and listen there's never been any malice on my part it's just like this is just.
Who I am and they just wanted to protect me and so it started out with a giving my hair Cox and like the kids in the neighborhood came from we literally live next door to the principal of the school.
And I like we were in a teacher neighborhood but here's my mom like I want to give my kids the best education and wants to home-school me laugh protect them from the big bad world.
[23:58] And I want to saw me as a free,
she gets her hair cut you know at home her mom makes your clothes like everything that my mom and dad wanted to do these kids look at it and you're like what is wrong with this girl.
[24:11] I didn't get invited to any of the,
you know the neighborhood kids parties and I just wanted to go to a kid's birthday party I want to be part of like as a young kid I just wanted to fit in a lot of the go out and play my parents just kept me separated.
So I had like zero social skills plus the bowl-cut you know I mean literally I've got pictures
I had a mullet Barbie oh man I rocked the mullet it was bad my fifth grade
I had the mullet perv and fifth grade I got pictures of oh yeah you got the perm,
oh yeah we we all have that Elementary School picture that is glorious
it is glorious is such a great word for it the mall it's coming back on Washington I'm not gonna rock that I'm just going to stare I love my hair.
Yeah like my childhood like my parents had the just best purest like.
[25:07] Just just so pure intentions,
and just me naturally being me I'm just like I just like I said I was born feral is it like oil and water we just did mix and it was just like I know they loved me and I know I love them.
Yeah we got judge harshly yeah I'm sure the neighborhood probably tore them a new asshole to you know it's just.
[25:32] But I was in my own little world of just like you know I did get to go to school in 5th grade,
and like the kids were just so mean and like like I said I'd Siro social skills because I was just I got to see my cousins.
And like I've seen all my family but it was like so rare to see my cousin sleep just like when I finally did hit school they end up moving us halfway through fifth grade for me so I was 10 they moved me up to another school,
and within like I don't know within like two weeks ago into that school I catch lice from whoever,
and like that was like you know to solve that my mind is buzzes my hair I'm a fox say it on the stand I'm just gonna do drugs you know what I just like that was the answer like that was depressed because of,
what's our first human need and that's to fit in and then I just did right was the bane of my existence.
Working with my hands in my shop like that was my Escape right because like.
My mom was riding my ass for stuff and I get it like as a parent now they should have put bigger boots on the stump them unfold my ass which,
they tried it said God I think it was like 12 or 13 the first time I ran away and it's just like there wasn't even any malice behind it again it was just like.
[26:49] You guys are putting yourself on me man I just need some Freedom like 8 o'clock bedtime for 12 no 12 year old I'm like I know whatever grade I was and I'm just like dude I can't and I can't do this I just need to go I just.
I can't have you ride my ass I'm so sick and tired of you telling me you know like it was it was a perfect storm of,
like my kids can't get away with shit because I know like I used to sneak out of my bedroom window I'm like around my son's house you know you're like you cannot trick the tricksters kids,
and you know what like both times I got pregnant I'm like boy boy boy boy boy cuz it's just like I knew who I was I was like there's no way like,
kilogram you know I'm saying but it was just like you know looking back I'm so grateful for my boys,
growing them pretty amazing right because like still chosen jeans I would have taught her to be a tough girl and maybe like making shit in the garage all right yeah yeah yeah both my boys turned out really really good even though like I said my,
I was I was 16 when I got pregnant for my older son now he's 27 today and just turned 27 the beginning of this month.
Best thing that's ever happened to me is being a parent mmm right it slowed me down not all the way right because it took me.
[28:09] Yeah he's like eight or nine when I really started getting my shit together I went through some really bad shit when he was a kid.
And he went through all this stuff with me tiger you know his dad wasn't around,
and this young man we basically grew up together it was my best friend who never had to go home wow was finally going to say like I'm conditional love for the first time in a long time I fell unconditional love and.
So he was like my savior for a long time but because I was so mature like really raised and is my best friend.
And so like I wasn't strength like I mean like yeah he had a lot of responsibilities no at 5 years old like I taught him to do his laundry when she started at 3 but if I use completely responsible for his laundry because I'm like.
Here's a detail dude like I've gotta work I gotta you know I'm going to do this I'm going to handle the bills like.
[29:01] You you handle your stuff I'll handle my stuff and we're going to have a lot more time together if you do it but like made it fun,
some like you was very responsible that young age but you'd also be like at five years old he's like hey can I say shit I'm like not in front of Grandma and Grandpa.
So we walk that line you mention depression do you still struggle with depression how did you work your way through that because there's there's going to be,
listeners where it's like I feel this now,
in it just feels hopeless and I feel helpless I don't know what to do I don't know where to go because when people look at your stuff now Barbie.
[29:44] There are tons of people that I'm sure are are so impressed maybe jealous maybe envious where it's like oh my God she's doing all of these things getting to work with her hands it but.
All of it's a journey in people often times just see the end result,
and not the struggle and that's why I respect and that's why I'm spending more time on this because any of the listeners can go to your social media social media page Facebook you name it read your book all of these things.
And see where you are at now but what what I want people to understand is that there is struggle every Journey has a struggle and there is no shame in it.
Yeah if you look at my social media now my life is a Sizzle reel it's very surreal.
[30:37] But like you said it was struggle I didn't know that I was depressed until I was hospitalized for.
[30:48] I'm going to say my drug addiction I turned myself into a couple friends so I had take me to the hospital because I was so deep into cocaine that was hearing voices.
What's a good story.
But once I got into the hospital and like I said I don't know the exact timeline this is I don't know how long I was in a school for but some time during my stay there and.
I'm going to go on the hard side of assumption and say it was definitely a couple months.
But I can't remember exactly how I feel like some point I need to just get hospital records and look and see how long it is I don't know if they would give them to me but whatever I was actually in.
[31:30] The BSU the Behavioral Science unit when they,
went to sober me up there to put me in like this lockdown section because I was really messed up and that's an understatement I couldn't write my name was this before or after your son was born yeah he was 6 years old got it.
It was six years old and had a point I'd actually and this is actually before I got into cocaine I was just.
Doing read that long story longer broke up with my husband who is violent against my son I left him that day I said no more,
went to my mom and dad's house and said we need to move in we cannot live with my husband anymore because he's violent towards my son she told me he can live here and you can't and I don't I don't know why I still to this day don't know why,
I have no clue have you ever asked her I can't remember if I had.
[32:22] It just doesn't make any sense to me right at her and I butted heads a lot I love her all my heart she's an amazing human being.
[32:32] We haven't always seen eye-to-eye I'm not exactly sure why.
[32:38] But damn if my kid came to my door and said that they'd be living here without you thinking but we're also two different people.
Remember to different parents right I'm sorry Barbie I'm just curious you said that your ex-husband was violent towards your six-year-old son.
Yes he kept them like a football and so I left that was the first and only time that he went put a hand on him like that.
What there was no like hey let's try to work it out I said fucking out of here lock myself in the bathroom until I get him off of me and then.
[33:13] We moved out that day I had the back up on that when I when I heard that because.
[33:24] You just continue to impress me and in that there's something to be said for that right that is an abusive relationship.
And to not make an exception I want to give you kudos for this because when your willingness to open up and share this stuff even though you were in.
The space that you were in as a parent you always.
You didn't allow any exception for your son meaning as it relates to protecting him and kudos for you.
[34:01] True on that and I appreciate it very much but the next part of the story is me leaving my son at my mom and dad's house.
Because I knew I could take care of them and so like I feel like I'm trying not to.
[34:18] It was we tried living with them in my car for a couple days but do we need to be in school and leaving at my mom and dad's was.
I love my husband I didn't have anything I have a pot to piss in or a window to throw it out of my store our stuff and I truck at math.
So I wasn't in a position financially to get us an apartment or even anything else so leaving him I moms.
After a couple of days was what I felt was but the best thing was which.
[34:50] It is what it is hate myself for like fucking hated myself for it because.
[34:59] I wasn't smarter about finances I didn't think about having money set aside I didn't you know I'm like here like I'm his only parent that's in his life and I leave him with Grandma and Grandpa and all of a sudden I was mom's gone,
scumbag real all scumbag Curry but it is part of who I am it's part of his my story.
We couldn't have a better relationship today and like it took me months to get him back after that and.
[35:28] Leaving him there in the guilt behind a a marriage not working and then be not being able to provide for my son as what left let me to cocaine abuse.
I thought work your husband that you left was not his biological father is that correct it was not his biological father,
before I got married okay and that's ultimately what started the guilt around that is what started the cocaine abuse,
yes I looked at the coke as a means to an end my goal,
my brilliant fucking thinking in all of this was I'm going to buy coke,
and I'm going to sell it because I had a little bit of money so I was like I can buy it I can sell it I can make enough money quickly and then be able to get a place for me and my kid.
And it didn't work out like that I broke the cardinal rule number one selling drugs and ask don't get high on your own Supply.
I saw a little bit of it I did some bartering for it but I really enjoyed it.
[36:37] And so I got into a really freaking heavy and like every penny I make with it I turn around and get more in the back of my head I'm like yeah I will go and sell this but it just never turned out like that and so I just.
That my friend had like where I was living like I ended up living in the woods,
a buddy of mine had weed my other friend had liquid acid and I had the Coke in the three of us just kind of hung out in the woods and people have come to see us by shit sometimes but mostly.
It be the three of us living in the woods and just getting messed up how long did your son stay at your folks house then there's this period of time and then you said there was you got to the point where you checked yourself in.
For Rehab.
[37:24] And you think maybe it was a couple months in there or yeah I think a couple of months yeah it was definitely.
[37:34] Hello man.
[37:38] It was warm so I'm going to guess what because he was still in school so I'm going to guess like.
[37:47] May or June is.
Because he was like I said he was still in school but it was warm enough for us to be outside and this is Upstate New York so I'm going to say it was like May or June.
[38:01] And then he was in school when I got them back.
[38:09] And I'm going to say that was like early fall so there's a good six month period so between the give or take about a good five or six month period between the time I.
Started the coke got into it so heavily it's like I said I was doing other stuff as well as doing the acid and I've been smoking weed pretty much.
Since I can remember probably since I was like 13.
[38:35] Drinking since around then so I'm getting all that bleep then the coconut acid on top of all the stuff that I was doing and this wasn't just like oh tonight scope to my it was just like everything at once,
hated who I was hated the fact that I left my son hated that I didn't have a way to make money I did but I screw that one off,
just.
Depression on top of all that other stuff and then adding or editing the drugs on top of the depression adding up and just basically sit on the woods felt real fucking sorry for myself for a while and.
[39:09] Barely survived like just barely survive them have you in your son ever talked about any of that.
[39:18] Yeah I'm very open with him about that.
[39:25] We have an amazing relationship today he is actually.
[39:30] One of the main reasons I'm still full time artist because even I don't go I don't always make the best decisions.
[39:39] So probably like for four years ago so about a year year and a half into being a full-time artist four-and-a-half somewhere around in there.
I got in a relationship with a guy who used me for my money he saw it he saw me cashing in my money for my work he saw that I had a nice chunk of money.
And use me and then beat me up when it was done using me for my money and if it wasn't for my son taking me in.
I wouldn't have my business but literally dislike took me in a four and a half years ago so.
I'm much better today I stay single for long bringing time afternoon now when you say he beat you up like literally physically roughed you up.
Pick me up and put me in the windshield of a car why.
[40:31] He was done using me my money was gone and that was his way of getting rid of me.
[40:37] Jesus that's the first time I talked about that one yeah low self-esteem is a bitch.
[40:45] Even though like got through all the drug addiction and everything else up and that was like that was a pivotal moment for me so I've had quite a few pivotal moments in my life.
Still was dealing with self-esteem problems like I said this is I was about doing math is it was like probably like six months after being a full-time artist so,
we're talking 2015 like spring,
spring 2015 right so I was about six months or so about being a full-time artist the job I'd left it actually was dating a guy from there.
When I went full-time he.
[41:24] Twas I'm trying to think of the right word.
He saw it right I had low self-esteem I like I know I was in my world and I don't gotten better with the welding well you definitely helped but I still was suffering from low self-esteem.
[41:43] And because of my childhood because of all that I went through.
I've just always wanted to be loved one being one of the sit-in wanted to be and so I took that into relationships I had a bad relationship after bad relationship after bad relationship and he was no different,
saw that I cashed in my money and had dollar signs in his eyes and played me like a fiddle,
looking back I like all these signs that like you don't give a flying right to ask about me.
But my need to be loved was so great that I ignored all these things and he pretty much took.
Large chunk on this like I said I've never even talked about this talk a large chunk of the money that I had saved for my business and he's like,
you can move in with me help me pay for this apartment about like we're going to make this apartment above my garage I have a two car garage you can rent your house up to your son.
And then your mortgage is covered there you can have a bigger place to work in and we'll have an apartment together and so Hook Line & Sinker that's exactly what I did is I rented my house out to my son and his then girlfriend.
Moved my younger son with me up to another town another school district put my son in another school.
[42:58] Physically help them build this apartment above his garage and pretty much when it was done he had enough and just like literally picked me up and put me into the windshield of a car,
and there was something I said there was signs like we we bickered back and forth there was definitely some egg roll.
[43:18] Furball.
Confrontations that we had I split up with them twice and like both trying to keep out to me like crying it was just like I'm so sorry and I just,
such a fucking soccer and like I said that is soccer just I just wanted to believe him so bad just want to be loved,
so weak after that relationship I'm just like like I said my son welcome me back and like I said I was renting it out to them like he's like you just you live here there's no questions you know he's like.
This is your house you live here and we'll just work it out like we've all been together ever since like we just.
We like it this way like just keep our family real close but had it not been for him I would lost everything he helped me with my bills.
[44:06] You know like help me get back on my feet and help me pay the mortgage on my house so I wouldn't lose that butt.
Yeah I stayed single for a while in my new role as one and done like if I break up with someone I'll never ever go back out with him again you just don't and.
I've gotten farther I've gone I guess and between my business about relationships.
[44:27] I've learned to patients I've also learned to watch people really closely and if there's any sign whatsoever of.
It's been crashing or like nasty attitude that gone like I don't play around with it so I've been single for quite a while I did date someone.
[44:45] Six six months ago for a short time but like quickly was just like at like,
it was good until it wasn't as soon as it wasn't done I'll happily stay single for a while I asked him to make sure that I know now because I love myself and I didn't before and so it was easy to fall into traps,
I've been calling traps how did you fall in love with yourself how did you get there station there's something to be said for that when my ex and I separated I spent three years single.
And it's figuring out who you are in falling in love with yourself it's owning it.
[45:23] When we when we say falling in love with ourselves Like It's associated with selfishness.
[45:31] But it's not it's the opposite of it actually cuz you can't give what you don't have so if someone wants me to be healthy and whole in a relationship.
I need love and respect myself before I can give that to anyone else,
and if I'm going to go in a relationship I want love and respect and that's what I tell my business partners,
anyone I get into business with it's just like this is a win-win or it doesn't happen same thing with a podcast same thing with anything I do if it's not a win-win I'm not involved.
I actually had a company.
The company reach out to me two years ago that wanted to sponsor me they sent me Product they're a phenomenal company like really truly love them.
[46:15] But decided after I think six months I'm like I can't do you guys Justice like and they're the ones are like we wanted I'm like I just I can't promote your product.
Naturally in a way that like I respect the product but it just wasn't that I didn't feel like I was giving as much as I was getting and so I respectfully back out of that,
and like they were appreciative of the fact that I'm just like you know if I can,
if I can't give you what I'm telling you like I can't know my business is so good today is because of that that's all you all over whether it's someone is buying my art or buying a book like if you're not getting the value then I'll happily give you your money back you know I'm saying like.
If it's not a win-win I'm not involved so would you say the last for like 5 years is when you really exploded as far as my business yeah.
[47:04] Yes and in the beginning with all due respect and it is what it is it was fuck you fuel the beginning that guy that beat me off part of my.
[47:15] Need to grow my business was fought here I'll show you what you're missing out on and you should have treated me better,
and look at what you got huh chuckling oh you're missing it's not healthy that's a great phrase fuck you fuel I feel like that's going to be the title of my next book it really should Barbie
there's a power in that it's using no and it's using anyone that's ever like have a grocery list of,
men that have treated me so disrespected now and listen here we're going to pull this closure.
I attracted them into my life so therefore if you're tracking people in your life that are negative you need to look at yourself because you can't kill us,
say that I hope people hate to hear that but it's just like I really had to take a look no I got you,
what is it about you darling that you are attracting these kind of people in your life we need to talk about this,
I told you you know it's like and like being honest like right my honesty.
Was my salvation because when I was really to have like these deeply on his conversations with myself why are you attracted to a man that's going to treat you like this like what have you been doing what have you been thinking,
that was for my superpower was,
now for a long time with tracking these people in my life so I realized like you're really helped me tremendously actually was.
[48:42] I went out to a build with bogey from All Girls Garage she did this Frame Up restoration of 57 Chevy pickup truck she had like this hairbrained scheme.
To bring women up from all over the country together to have this bill the Montage Montage I was so freaking blessed to be a part of that,
I basically hounded her and Miller until I got someone I was like I need to be involved with this because my background and I mechanics,
I went out there and I spent upon slipping in her garage and it's a really nice garage so it's not it's not you know like oh my God you're like no I got the punk house yeah yeah.
The happy side blessings I went out there to help build a truck and to go back into the automotive industry on my terms and leave on my terms,
instead of how I ended up leaving which was sexism and frustration I want to go back in but the blessing of that was I spent a month with bogey,
side by side working 16 and 18 hour days pretty much seven days a week on this for a month that.
[49:48] She mentioned and I don't know she realized at the time she was mentoring me but this woman blessed me was so many Pearls of Wisdom.
And one of my favorite things was she I asked him like how are you going to how did you go from this woman built her business this entire life.
Just her Legacy,
from her driveway for two years she worked in a driver like I can play about how small my shop is cheap work in her driveway I'm like how did you do that how did you.
How are you building this Empire that you're building and she says self-help she says I went and got she said I went and I paid for courses.
To improve myself and I'm like okay like Tada so I already had was I already reading the books.
Again my timeline I believe I'd already started meeting a couple of self-help books do you remember what they were.
[50:45] Yes I still have a mall I have a library I'm an Avid Reader I highly,
highly Advocate reading and if you don't like to read or if you're not good at reading,
audiobooks to love audible they're not paying me but damn I'm all about it Audible and if you can't do honorable then go on and look at the videos because they literally have one of my favorite things on YouTube are animated book reviews.
And you can get like a 200-page book like knock down to six minutes of little cartoons and we'll tell you the story of the book and it's a keeper oh wow,
run there I'm telling you like Autumn if you guys want the links like let me know how heavily send you links to my favorites I may hit you up with that Barbie because I'm curious oh man,
I have a I have a library books like I have a core probably like 12 that I can't get rid of and I literally again and again and again.
Because it's just so.
Good just so amazing I actually just silence is a key by Ryan holiday Ryan holiday is my probably my newest favorite author but between him and Robert Greene and my two favorites.
But the first book that I read in the one is really just.
[51:58] Started everything on my journey for self improvement was secrets to the millionaire mind that's a good one.
Bihar backers so I actually.
Drop the book and had to borrow the 50 cents for the book for my mom it's a library book sale because that's where I was in my artistic Journey was borrowing 50 cents for Block,
actually for a dollar I got two books at that book sale the other ones called rhinoceros success by Scott Alexander,
that was a brilliant book because it uses analogies and I'm all about like I'm a visual visual learner so much,
they've got adorable cartoon sort of actually friends with the author today.
Books I thought library book sale literally it's amazing that almost I got the secrets of the millionaire mind because I want to be a millionaire like this is one of my goals like when I got into art it was to make our.
Like that's it I had no idea that there's money and art I was shocked when I found out how much money there is in being an artist like no kidding.
But the purity of it was I got in it to make art.
But I do want to be a millionaire Sunday right its freedom money is the freedom because it gets you experiences and Adventures and opportunities and that's where like I want to give my kids like an adventurous life.
[53:19] So I pick up this book I start reading it and there's like this chicken and there's like physically a ticket and it's like you can get this free $2,000 summer.
And so but you have to pay for your plane ticket and your hotel right and slowly I read the books several times and like every time I read it I'm like here's a ticket and someday I'm going to go to this summer.
Well after talking with Bodie bowlby's like I did Summoners she's like I didn't have the money for it but I got a mentor and I did sometimes I'm like okay.
I go back home and I read the book again and I'm like you've got to do it right that's a free seminar like I said so I went and.
My whole purpose for that was to change my money mentality because I have in the past had a welfare mentality for how I grew up.
Money doesn't grow on trees who do I look like Rockefeller you know the oh yeah rich people are greedy like I grew up with all these like taboo things around money.
My parents are super Frugal like if my mom holds a petty like Lincoln's eyes bug out Lucio's I love her for who she is.
[54:28] But I want to be a millionaire I want a chef I want five different Vehicles like I want my mud truck and I want my lifted cheap and I want to build my motorcycle I was saying like I want my dream shop no.
Now what I want all these things I want to be able to travel the world and I want money to be no object when I do it I want to take my whole fam you don't sound like I want to buy art from all the artists I'm going to fill my home you know.
So it's like money for me is freedom again it goes back to my again Freedom so I went and took these courses.
[55:00] In with the mindset of I want to raise my money mentality because you can't be an artist.
And how does welfare mentality it's not right because I know I just didn't honor my art for a long time like valuing it.
[55:18] I did it to get this money mentality but come to find out the courses that they end up selling me $12,000 it was worth every penny so much more,
which I couldn't afford right they gave me a payment plan and I still struggle deeply every time to pay for it.
But I invested 12 Grand in these courses because I saw the truth immediately when I went to the free course where they sell stuff and I love that right I love salesman.
It's not about getting money it's about serving people I bought the courses with the intention of making money,
and learned that their entire course is focused on service,
and that's how you win at life and I tell you actually become a millionaire is you need to serve people with Integrity just changed everything right I literally just like fell into this most just beautiful thing,
so I left with a mission you know like a year-and-a-half and all these courses later I walk on fire,
some of the stuff I did was just incredibly rimet Zing cars it's like a highly highly recommended.
[56:22] But I left at the mission and that's to inspire people to thrive emotionally and financially and that's with me through ART,
but it also now has become now that with the other podcast I did.
The mental health has now become something that is going to be on my mission and I just something I never even thought about.
Literally until like you know like I know what I've done I know that I'm.
[56:48] I'm a unicorn and the fact that I went through the depression and when I say depression we're talking just severe depression,
we're talking strapped to a gurney in a straitjacket once a woman the Cuckoo's Nest Thorazine shot in my ass depression and anger and being locked up and told I would never ever get out of the psych center.
[57:12] To today I'm living life it is beyond my wildest dreams.
That I have made sculptures for Harley-Davidson that I literally like I choose what I do every day and I don't do anything I don't want to.
I'm here with you because I want to be here with you and if I didn't want to I just say happily no like I'm honored that you would ask but,
you know I just don't have time not only I say no to everything I don't want to do with the sculptures on making.
I made exactly what I want nothing else I'm turning down so many commissions right now because they're not in alignment with.
[57:45] The creatures and characters that I want to create are just feeding my soul but knowing that.
Gone to this journey to go from like absolutely opposite ends of the spectrum from absolutely I cannot imagine being any more visible to I can't imagine being any more happy,
literally like just the other day I'm like you know what like I know this story was coming out you know I knew that I'm do that podcast we planned it for months I think it was.
But as soon as it came out and I got the reactions I got from people which is so supportive and I was shocked.
I actually thought I was going to lose a lot of people it turned out way different than I expected seeing the reaction and how many other people said welding us also save my life it immediately became apparent that this needs to be part of my mission.
And this is how I'm going to help people thrive emotionally and financially which just literally feel like I just thought like just by bringing.
People into the welding industry and showing people like skilled trades and working with your hands.
[58:44] Gives you so much more than money it's even bigger than that isn't it it really adds it really is yes had no.
You know like everything happens for a reason they contacted me for a reason and just like just like all these things like just been blessed beyond my wildest,
leaks but just like and I've got a good imagination this is like beyond anything I could ever imagine but to be able to explain like I know how now that I've gone from the depression to where I am today from,
negative relationships to like I only accept,
the best like I only accept the best of my relationships anything less is unacceptable I don't let anyone else in my life that is like I don't get treated with this right this is fact,
I don't put myself in places where I get treated with disrespect and if I start dating someone they see something,
ghosts kick rocks and I'm okay with that because I love being single because I love myself I love being around myself.
[59:41] Got a few to told me that five years ago you do just an amazing story and again I know we haven't spent a lot of time on welding per se and you summarized it just a moment.
You are so well documented in that space Barbie and I mean truly you know that that's.
If you go to your social platform that's what you see and what I was really hoping to get.
What this shines through in this interview is that it's so much more than that in and ladies,
if you are struggling right now depression is that silent killer.
[40:37] Jesus that's the first time I talked about that one yeah low self-esteem is a bitch.
[40:45] Even though like got through all the drug addiction and everything else up and that was like that was a pivotal moment for me so I've had quite a few pivotal moments in my life.
Still was dealing with self-esteem problems like I said this is I was about doing math is it was like probably like six months after being a full-time artist so,
we're talking 2015 like spring,
spring 2015 right so I was about six months or so about being a full-time artist the job I'd left it actually was dating a guy from there.
When I went full-time he.
[41:24] Twas I'm trying to think of the right word.
He saw it right I had low self-esteem I like I know I was in my world and I don't gotten better with the welding well you definitely helped but I still was suffering from low self-esteem.
[41:43] And because of my childhood because of all that I went through.
I've just always wanted to be loved one being one of the sit-in wanted to be and so I took that into relationships I had a bad relationship after bad relationship after bad relationship and he was no different,
saw that I cashed in my money and had dollar signs in his eyes and played me like a fiddle,
looking back I like all these signs that like you don't give a flying right to ask about me.
But my need to be loved was so great that I ignored all these things and he pretty much took.
Large chunk on this like I said I've never even talked about this talk a large chunk of the money that I had saved for my business and he's like,
you can move in with me help me pay for this apartment about like we're going to make this apartment above my garage I have a two car garage you can rent your house up to your son.
And then your mortgage is covered there you can have a bigger place to work in and we'll have an apartment together and so Hook Line & Sinker that's exactly what I did is I rented my house out to my son and his then girlfriend.
Moved my younger son with me up to another town another school district put my son in another school.
[42:58] Physically help them build this apartment above his garage and pretty much when it was done he had enough and just like literally picked me up and put me into the windshield of a car,
and there was something I said there was signs like we we bickered back and forth there was definitely some egg roll.
[43:18] Furball.
Confrontations that we had I split up with them twice and like both trying to keep out to me like crying it was just like I'm so sorry and I just,
such a fucking soccer and like I said that is soccer just I just wanted to believe him so bad just want to be loved,
so weak after that relationship I'm just like like I said my son welcome me back and like I said I was renting it out to them like he's like you just you live here there's no questions you know he's like.
This is your house you live here and we'll just work it out like we've all been together ever since like we just.
We like it this way like just keep our family real close but had it not been for him I would lost everything he helped me with my bills.
[44:06] You know like help me get back on my feet and help me pay the mortgage on my house so I wouldn't lose that butt.
Yeah I stayed single for a while in my new role as one and done like if I break up with someone I'll never ever go back out with him again you just don't and.
I've gotten farther I've gone I guess and between my business about relationships.
[44:27] I've learned to patients I've also learned to watch people really closely and if there's any sign whatsoever of.
It's been crashing or like nasty attitude that gone like I don't play around with it so I've been single for quite a while I did date someone.
[44:45] Six six months ago for a short time but like quickly was just like at like,
it was good until it wasn't as soon as it wasn't done I'll happily stay single for a while I asked him to make sure that I know now because I love myself and I didn't before and so it was easy to fall into traps,
I've been calling traps how did you fall in love with yourself how did you get there station there's something to be said for that when my ex and I separated I spent three years single.
And it's figuring out who you are in falling in love with yourself it's owning it.
[45:23] When we when we say falling in love with ourselves Like It's associated with selfishness.
[45:31] But it's not it's the opposite of it actually cuz you can't give what you don't have so if someone wants me to be healthy and whole in a relationship.
I need love and respect myself before I can give that to anyone else,
and if I'm going to go in a relationship I want love and respect and that's what I tell my business partners,
anyone I get into business with it's just like this is a win-win or it doesn't happen same thing with a podcast same thing with anything I do if it's not a win-win I'm not involved.
I actually had a company.
The company reach out to me two years ago that wanted to sponsor me they sent me Product they're a phenomenal company like really truly love them.
[46:15] But decided after I think six months I'm like I can't do you guys Justice like and they're the ones are like we wanted I'm like I just I can't promote your product.
Naturally in a way that like I respect the product but it just wasn't that I didn't feel like I was giving as much as I was getting and so I respectfully back out of that,
and like they were appreciative of the fact that I'm just like you know if I can,
if I can't give you what I'm telling you like I can't know my business is so good today is because of that that's all you all over whether it's someone is buying my art or buying a book like if you're not getting the value then I'll happily give you your money back you know I'm saying like.
If it's not a win-win I'm not involved so would you say the last for like 5 years is when you really exploded as far as my business yeah.
[47:04] Yes and in the beginning with all due respect and it is what it is it was fuck you fuel the beginning that guy that beat me off part of my.
[47:15] Need to grow my business was fought here I'll show you what you're missing out on and you should have treated me better,
and look at what you got huh chuckling oh you're missing it's not healthy that's a great phrase fuck you fuel I feel like that's going to be the title of my next book it really should Barbie
there's a power in that it's using no and it's using anyone that's ever like have a grocery list of,
men that have treated me so disrespected now and listen here we're going to pull this closure.
I attracted them into my life so therefore if you're tracking people in your life that are negative you need to look at yourself because you can't kill us,
say that I hope people hate to hear that but it's just like I really had to take a look no I got you,
what is it about you darling that you are attracting these kind of people in your life we need to talk about this,
I told you you know it's like and like being honest like right my honesty.
Was my salvation because when I was really to have like these deeply on his conversations with myself why are you attracted to a man that's going to treat you like this like what have you been doing what have you been thinking,
that was for my superpower was,
now for a long time with tracking these people in my life so I realized like you're really helped me tremendously actually was.
[48:42] I went out to a build with bogey from All Girls Garage she did this Frame Up restoration of 57 Chevy pickup truck she had like this hairbrained scheme.
To bring women up from all over the country together to have this bill the Montage Montage I was so freaking blessed to be a part of that,
I basically hounded her and Miller until I got someone I was like I need to be involved with this because my background and I mechanics,
I went out there and I spent upon slipping in her garage and it's a really nice garage so it's not it's not you know like oh my God you're like no I got the punk house yeah yeah.
The happy side blessings I went out there to help build a truck and to go back into the automotive industry on my terms and leave on my terms,
instead of how I ended up leaving which was sexism and frustration I want to go back in but the blessing of that was I spent a month with bogey,
side by side working 16 and 18 hour days pretty much seven days a week on this for a month that.
[49:48] She mentioned and I don't know she realized at the time she was mentoring me but this woman blessed me was so many Pearls of Wisdom.
And one of my favorite things was she I asked him like how are you going to how did you go from this woman built her business this entire life.
Just her Legacy,
from her driveway for two years she worked in a driver like I can play about how small my shop is cheap work in her driveway I'm like how did you do that how did you.
How are you building this Empire that you're building and she says self-help she says I went and got she said I went and I paid for courses.
To improve myself and I'm like okay like Tada so I already had was I already reading the books.
Again my timeline I believe I'd already started meeting a couple of self-help books do you remember what they were.
[50:45] Yes I still have a mall I have a library I'm an Avid Reader I highly,
highly Advocate reading and if you don't like to read or if you're not good at reading,
audiobooks to love audible they're not paying me but damn I'm all about it Audible and if you can't do honorable then go on and look at the videos because they literally have one of my favorite things on YouTube are animated book reviews.
And you can get like a 200-page book like knock down to six minutes of little cartoons and we'll tell you the story of the book and it's a keeper oh wow,
run there I'm telling you like Autumn if you guys want the links like let me know how heavily send you links to my favorites I may hit you up with that Barbie because I'm curious oh man,
I have a I have a library books like I have a core probably like 12 that I can't get rid of and I literally again and again and again.
Because it's just so.
Good just so amazing I actually just silence is a key by Ryan holiday Ryan holiday is my probably my newest favorite author but between him and Robert Greene and my two favorites.
But the first book that I read in the one is really just.
[51:58] Started everything on my journey for self improvement was secrets to the millionaire mind that's a good one.
Bihar backers so I actually.
Drop the book and had to borrow the 50 cents for the book for my mom it's a library book sale because that's where I was in my artistic Journey was borrowing 50 cents for Block,
actually for a dollar I got two books at that book sale the other ones called rhinoceros success by Scott Alexander,
that was a brilliant book because it uses analogies and I'm all about like I'm a visual visual learner so much,
they've got adorable cartoon sort of actually friends with the author today.
Books I thought library book sale literally it's amazing that almost I got the secrets of the millionaire mind because I want to be a millionaire like this is one of my goals like when I got into art it was to make our.
Like that's it I had no idea that there's money and art I was shocked when I found out how much money there is in being an artist like no kidding.
But the purity of it was I got in it to make art.
But I do want to be a millionaire Sunday right its freedom money is the freedom because it gets you experiences and Adventures and opportunities and that's where like I want to give my kids like an adventurous life.
[53:19] So I pick up this book I start reading it and there's like this chicken and there's like physically a ticket and it's like you can get this free $2,000 summer.
And so but you have to pay for your plane ticket and your hotel right and slowly I read the books several times and like every time I read it I'm like here's a ticket and someday I'm going to go to this summer.
Well after talking with Bodie bowlby's like I did Summoners she's like I didn't have the money for it but I got a mentor and I did sometimes I'm like okay.
I go back home and I read the book again and I'm like you've got to do it right that's a free seminar like I said so I went and.
My whole purpose for that was to change my money mentality because I have in the past had a welfare mentality for how I grew up.
Money doesn't grow on trees who do I look like Rockefeller you know the oh yeah rich people are greedy like I grew up with all these like taboo things around money.
My parents are super Frugal like if my mom holds a petty like Lincoln's eyes bug out Lucio's I love her for who she is.
[54:28] But I want to be a millionaire I want a chef I want five different Vehicles like I want my mud truck and I want my lifted cheap and I want to build my motorcycle I was saying like I want my dream shop no.
Now what I want all these things I want to be able to travel the world and I want money to be no object when I do it I want to take my whole fam you don't sound like I want to buy art from all the artists I'm going to fill my home you know.
So it's like money for me is freedom again it goes back to my again Freedom so I went and took these courses.
[55:00] In with the mindset of I want to raise my money mentality because you can't be an artist.
And how does welfare mentality it's not right because I know I just didn't honor my art for a long time like valuing it.
[55:18] I did it to get this money mentality but come to find out the courses that they end up selling me $12,000 it was worth every penny so much more,
which I couldn't afford right they gave me a payment plan and I still struggle deeply every time to pay for it.
But I invested 12 Grand in these courses because I saw the truth immediately when I went to the free course where they sell stuff and I love that right I love salesman.
It's not about getting money it's about serving people I bought the courses with the intention of making money,
and learned that their entire course is focused on service,
and that's how you win at life and I tell you actually become a millionaire is you need to serve people with Integrity just changed everything right I literally just like fell into this most just beautiful thing,
so I left with a mission you know like a year-and-a-half and all these courses later I walk on fire,
some of the stuff I did was just incredibly rimet Zing cars it's like a highly highly recommended.
[56:22] But I left at the mission and that's to inspire people to thrive emotionally and financially and that's with me through ART,
but it also now has become now that with the other podcast I did.
The mental health has now become something that is going to be on my mission and I just something I never even thought about.
Literally until like you know like I know what I've done I know that I'm.
[56:48] I'm a unicorn and the fact that I went through the depression and when I say depression we're talking just severe depression,
we're talking strapped to a gurney in a straitjacket once a woman the Cuckoo's Nest Thorazine shot in my ass depression and anger and being locked up and told I would never ever get out of the psych center.
[57:12] To today I'm living life it is beyond my wildest dreams.
That I have made sculptures for Harley-Davidson that I literally like I choose what I do every day and I don't do anything I don't want to.
I'm here with you because I want to be here with you and if I didn't want to I just say happily no like I'm honored that you would ask but,
you know I just don't have time not only I say no to everything I don't want to do with the sculptures on making.
I made exactly what I want nothing else I'm turning down so many commissions right now because they're not in alignment with.
[57:45] The creatures and characters that I want to create are just feeding my soul but knowing that.
Gone to this journey to go from like absolutely opposite ends of the spectrum from absolutely I cannot imagine being any more visible to I can't imagine being any more happy,
literally like just the other day I'm like you know what like I know this story was coming out you know I knew that I'm do that podcast we planned it for months I think it was.
But as soon as it came out and I got the reactions I got from people which is so supportive and I was shocked.
I actually thought I was going to lose a lot of people it turned out way different than I expected seeing the reaction and how many other people said welding us also save my life it immediately became apparent that this needs to be part of my mission.
And this is how I'm going to help people thrive emotionally and financially which just literally feel like I just thought like just by bringing.
People into the welding industry and showing people like skilled trades and working with your hands.
[58:44] Gives you so much more than money it's even bigger than that isn't it it really adds it really is yes had no.
You know like everything happens for a reason they contacted me for a reason and just like just like all these things like just been blessed beyond my wildest,
leaks but just like and I've got a good imagination this is like beyond anything I could ever imagine but to be able to explain like I know how now that I've gone from the depression to where I am today from,
negative relationships to like I only accept,
the best like I only accept the best of my relationships anything less is unacceptable I don't let anyone else in my life that is like I don't get treated with this right this is fact,
I don't put myself in places where I get treated with disrespect and if I start dating someone they see something,
ghosts kick rocks and I'm okay with that because I love being single because I love myself I love being around myself.
[59:41] Got a few to told me that five years ago you do just an amazing story and again I know we haven't spent a lot of time on welding per se and you summarized it just a moment.
You are so well documented in that space Barbie and I mean truly you know that that's.
If you go to your social platform that's what you see and what I was really hoping to get.
What this shines through in this interview is that it's so much more than that in and ladies,
if you are struggling right now depression is that silent killer.
[1:00:22] It's silent and it's so taboo no one wants to talk about it,
no one but it's email me I'll talk to you about it it's everywhere though right and you talk it and it's not just depression it's mental health period,
there is so much taboo I when I told my folks that you know I was just diagnosed last year with ADHD that I have ADHD and I shared it with my folks.
[1:00:51] The only reaction was oh really.
[1:00:57] Neither of them has said a single word about it since nothing but it was like I didn't even say it through your story Barbie,
also my willingness to share about ADHD it adults do have it majority of adults it was just undiagnosed is that,
there is no shame around it.
[1:01:20] There is no shame around it we all experience it and when you look on social media this Fairytale life that you have right now Barbie is that it wasn't always fairytale in that the struggle is there,
and it's okay and you're not alone you're not alone.
[1:01:40] I think that's a message that so many people need to hear and that's why my willingness to come out and talk about my mental health.
[1:01:50] And listen I am not going to recommend anyone do anything without a doctor's whatever but I don't take medicine.
I have they told me I'd never get off of medicine and I haven't taken medicine in.
I'm going to venture a guess at like 16 ish 17 years.
[1:02:11] And like I said I still was making poor choices but then like that's a self-esteem thing that wasn't a depression thing.
I have to watch myself I caught myself the other day literally after I made that post.
I freaked like the post I made Friday about my mental health freaked out a little bit Friday and I'll me freaked out I mean just like I'm I'm fucking scared it was scary to do that that is every one of my skeletons.
Hey look at me naked for cures like yours literally like you know and so it was a freaky thing I needed to go hang out with wigs and spend some time with my friends and get away from my house I didn't work Friday I'd planned on it was just like you know what I just,
but I know now and I think having honesty with yourself.
I'll speak to myself I don't want to I'm not putting it on anyone else but like honestly with myself so I feel frustrated if I feel like I'm getting depressed,
I know I need to change my music I can put on a different playlist on my music and it'll help my mood if I'm feeling you know like I said I was scared the other day that was just such a.
[1:03:19] I don't see it was a ballsy move like I know it needs to be talked about I know it's the right thing to do was scary as fuck.
[1:03:28] To put that out there and to so I just I really don't like I'm reading my hands it's all about it right so like I will all feel a little bit anxiety about stuff that I know what I feel I'm like okay like
go drink some chamomile tea by real help but I know like I have stuff in place today,
so I know I have a happy-go-lucky playlist that you can't tap your young cat not like dance to like it's just
so super super awesome makes Vine to stand like put it on your like a playlist get you know Bob Marley No Worries like I can play that song and I'm literally just want to dance all my shop it just,
being honest about like if I know that certain situations bone layout then stay out of them,
if there is like like art even if you don't feel like you're creative whatsoever take a lump take a 10-pound thing it clay,
squeeze it yeah so it's cathartic even if it's not even if you can only roll that clay into a ball.
[1:04:25] That's this cathartic you've made a shape making a joke make a giant get whatever you want say whatever you want you're welcome let's go do something,
if you can draw the draw if you can't draw but you'd like to call her get some coloring pencils and get it like this,
get a coloring book with swear words it goes exist right,
find some kind of Outlet find something to focus on because I can give you my experience when I focus on how awful my life was.
[1:04:59] You're literally pouring energy into that thought which is just.
Snowballing and it just you know that you feel bad for feeling bad and then you're like oh we oh my life is good I shouldn't feel bad I still awful feeling bad like this people have a worse you shouldn't have you know all that shit right there when you're focused on all that it literally Dumber spirals.
[1:05:21] If you're not feeling good if you're not feeling happy if you're not feel find some kind of creative outlet for me it's been art like I said.
[1:05:29] Football I am selling this interview but I literally I had zero artistic talent when I decided to be a metal sculpture this is what I decided to do I figured it all out wow,
zero there was nothing
my handwriting is still freaking egregious my I'm learning to draw I got like drawings on my I know you can't sit for you I got drawings on my phones like I'm hurting too sharp you draw,
I'm good with Sharpie I can write my name on people's faces when they were passed out like that's my girl,
no I've always been good with the Sharpie like this there was no creative Talent whatsoever so if it's something like,
Hobby Lobby like it's like 10 bucks for like is 10-pound thing of clay or go get Play-Doh taste delicious don't eat Play-Doh garden like this
oh my gosh we all said like find some kind of creative Outlet.
Go and buy a two by four and a box of nails and a hammer it is literally just Hammer this shit out of the nails are the two by four find a way to do something.
That is not sitting in the house and feeling bad for yourself.
When you focus on something that is outside of yourself regardless of what it is then your energy is going to that something like if you're focusing on your neighbors,
pitch the next what you're going to get but if you focus on,
I'm just going to nail these I'm going to try to make them make them all the same height nail these it's you're focusing on something outside of yourself.
[1:06:57] That's Sound Advice my friend its inspiration here and I tell you what this probably is a good time to launch into the Red Line Round because,
some of what you're talking about goes right into the red line where you'll be able to just knock this out of the park,
what the redline round is is it's just five rapid-fire questions there's no right or wrong answer to him whatever pops into your heads the right answer,
and you actually just teed the first one up and kind of shared it who or what has been your inspiration throughout your journey in the industry.
[1:07:30] Oh gosh Jessi Combs was my first as far as a woman.
Students just shattering glass ceilings I got to eat her in 2017.
It's fucking immediately loved her she's like everything else,
you meet your hero they just like oh my gosh I would love to meet you Hiro and then you hear people that need two Heroes and heroes a task
in person I met her and she is just so deeply humbled like she knew who I was like I'm fangirling on her and she's like Barbie,
she's so down-to-earth and just so badass and just.
Oh man just absolutely deeply admired just everything about her and being bulky same thing that just like I fangirled on Bogie and Brody was totally just,
so down to earth like immediately best friends with her you know and just like the work ethic I'm both of them.
The the tribes like the just shattering opening the industry up for women showing women that yes like we can do it doesn't matter you know.
[1:08:38] It doesn't matter who you are if you want to,
no be a mechanic you kind of Wonder well you can't anyone can do it absolutely I said those two definitely my heroes awesome Barbie where do you go or what resources do you use when you want to learn something new or you get stuck.
First and foremost is probably YouTube if I'm trying to figure out like,
my social media isn't doing well what's going on I look for new algorithms and stuff I'd like to look in YouTube a lot on YouTube smart,
when it comes to self-improvement I dive into books right now my favorite favorite authors Ryan holiday he has written.
[1:09:17] Three of what I think are probably the best books that ever existed and that is the obstacle is the way as number one on my list like if you don't read anything else,
read the obstacle is away silence is a key which is the one I just finished today I'm right it like several times audio audio book like if I drive anywhere I usually got an audiobook running,
so this is a key the obstacle is away and.
He's actually wrote a quite a few books but those those three that deal with stoicism and stoic philosophies I'm,
really like really getting into stoicism I think it's just a gift you're going to have to provide me a list,
I guess you've rattled off a few and I'm like oh we gotta share the list of Barbies goodies here so folks can go check those out so I'm totally gonna have you email me those and include them,
I will do that I'll give you my top 5 masteries heck yeah man,
what excites you most about what you do unlimited potential.
There is so much freedom in mile there's so much Freedom as an artist I literally can do whatever we want to,
I'm just incredibly like had no idea my business would leave me where I am I didn't intend to.
[1:10:44] Do what I'm doing I just wanted to make art but.
There's a limitless and freedom in like uncrating creatures right now like characters and creatures there's no limit so like if I want to put bat wings on a girl I can hmm I just find like this deep.
Sense of fulfillment in.
In creating the characters and like with metal like there's no limits to what I can do with them you know like and I bend it like this hard material to my will which is pretty powerful failure it's empowering.
[1:11:21] What is a personal habit or practice that has helped you significantly in this industry or your journey in the industry.
[1:11:31] Two things one I can talk about work wise and one is personal workwise is just practice,
I compete against myself every damn day I do look to others for potentially like where I want to be or for inspiration,
but at the end of the day I judge myself against myself I will never look at another artist you go I wish mine like all my stuff isn't that good no I look at my art today and say is it better than what it was yesterday,
and that goes for anything that you're doing just a sidebar really quick like mentally mental health wise.
[1:12:06] Anything in your personal life do not judge yourself against anyone else because you were judging your day one against someone else's day 100,
and that's not fair so like if you're in AA George your day one against your day one maybe you want to look at some of these got 30 years sober,
judge your day while I try to be better today than what you were yesterday that's the only way to win when we judge yourself against other people,
it's a freakin lose game that you'll never win against someone else's you have no idea you don't have the same experiences the second thing that if I can attest My Success to anything personally,
I was actually meditation I've done it since I was a kid not always all the time and definitely like in my dark time I was not doing it,
I say my dark time and I'm sure there's better word for it but like when I was screwing up I wasn't,
I meditate on almost every single day basis I would playlist that I've made on YouTube of different meditation stuff and I play it overnight on a loop while I sleep.
[1:13:09] Right now I'm actually working on money but like there's always like I've got like this spirit animal thing I love animals I'm very,
very nature Banks and so I have the first one is spirit animal that's when I go to sleep fall asleep listening to the rest of them right now I'm totally focused on money and,
raising my money mentality and.
Really like honoring the pieces that I'm making with my upbringing was kind of hard to be like oh this is a hundred bucks knowing I put like 50 Cent's and scrap metal into it.
[1:13:41] But wrapping my brain around the fact like there is nothing else like this that's right no one else will ever feel like putting it on putting a hundred dollars on that is just shameful so I like my money is definitely.
[1:13:54] Probably my last challenge I'm going to say I'll never stop being challenged but as far as like myself.
Always always work to improve myself but the money is like my last big hurdle that I miss like this one.
Like this is just going to change everything when I get it's about honoring myself on my art is about honoring a lot of stuff that body like growing up with the money mentality that I had.
[1:14:22] Josh is definitely has put me in really bad situations I'm so glad that you talked about that it's something that we haven't talked about on the podcast and it's so critical because it's just about.
[1:14:36] Personal worth in there's personal worth and then there's your business worth,
and you go through this personal evolution,
where someone has their nine to five job and you know their pay raises are directly proportionate to their own personal worth in the value that they feel they provide the company and then it's a whole different.
Level when it's your own business and understanding the worth around your own business in your own work that I'm so glad you brought that up,
in Barbie finally what is your parting advice to other Femcanics finding their way in the skilled trades industry.
It comes down to practice.
[1:15:23] Whatever it is whether you're a plumber or an auto mechanic or a welder it's about honoring your craft,
by honoring your skills which also honors yourself and it goes back in the self-esteem your job in the skilled trades is to grow yourself into the best possible version of yourself that you can,
as a human being and as a tradesperson,
freshman skip over everything I think it's just so with me with the craftsmanship that's what led me into good self-esteem like I finished a job and be like,
young girls are looking good you know the thing is is like by by honoring my craft.
[1:16:07] Allowed me to walk away feeling good each day what had happened was people that are in the trades are seeing.
How I'm honoring myself and my craft and that's how we're going to blow these glass ceilings open is by going in and yes putting in a damn good day at work and doing everything you can yourself.
You're asking for help if you need it because of what should but also when Aaron handle your shit you know say only do whatever you can to improve yourself.
And bring as much of value to the table as possible there's a caveat to that if you're not being treated with love respect and kick rocks and go find a place that will,
because there are so many places out there they're looking for skilled Tradesmen they don't give a flying rat's ass what color you are or what your sex is they watch skilled Tradesmen they'll go in and handle their stuff.
Without an attitude right yeah just go in and put in the best damn day or that you possibly can on yourself by being the best version of yourself everywhere,
and again if you're not being truthful of respect then kick rocks love it people out there who will,
deeply honor exactly what you're doing and where and how can people connect with you Barbie.
[1:17:25] So I'm easy to find round just Search bar be the Walter let's see YouTube Instagram Facebook Tick-Tock I'm new tic toc in the last six months and madly in love with that I'm really active on LinkedIn.
[1:17:40] It depends on what you're looking for right so each of the different social media platforms are let me do different stuff Facebook is like you know like,
I guess my average top is Facebook like my mom and dad are on there keep that mostly clean Instagram I put the welding the badass stuff on there,
YouTube is where I teach so if you're looking to learn how to do metal art or how I'm making my sculptures to see how I make them I share that I got a new motorcycle new to me,
I'm going to be building that so the bike build is going to be on YouTube so if you like motorcycles come check that out I'm learning as I go of no freaking clue what I'm doing but I figured out with stuff before,
LinkedIn I love love LinkedIn because it allows me to really put out that inspirational stuff that is,
so I've got get like this pick something I have to bed answer you I love to do I love to do the goofiness let's check taxi I'm a goofy side on sector but like that inspirational stuff is LinkedIn and,
just like I love because all the different platforms allow me to bring something a little bit different so I might post the same picture,
like jazz I do on Instagram one day but there's made total different message on LinkedIn so if you follow me on one you want to know the other one just go check it out.
[1:18:55] So I'm out there goodbye Barbie thank you so much for being in the driver's seat today and your willingness to be vulnerable
I have so much respect for you,
not just as an artist and what you're doing as a business professional and as a business owner and representing women and helping women break through the glass ceiling.
I think ultimately just you as a person. Kudos to you I have mad love and.
[1:19:27] Thank you so much this is such an honor for you guys to take your time.
[1:19:35] Thank you very my name is Barbie the welder and I'm a Femcanic.
[1:19:44] Dez Ferrell is in the driver's seat next she owns Nessy's Customs a shop where she specializes in custom paint and Restorations.
She was recently a featured contestant on Motor Trends bitching boot camp.
Des brings us along her career journey and gives us a behind-the-scenes experience on bitching boot camp.
Be sure to tune in next week until next time Femcanics.
[1:20:11] Thanks for listening to the Femcanic Garage podcast you can find us on Instagram Facebook and Twitter at Femcanic Garage.
Check out our website Femcanic Garage.com for swag in the transcribed for each episode.
If you want to help grow this community do me a favor and subscribe rate review and most importantly share this podcast,
read the word this is Jayme B. signing off. ARE YOU FEMCANIC?
no one but it's email me I'll talk to you about it it's everywhere though right and you talk it and it's not just depression it's mental health period,
there is so much taboo I when I told my folks that you know I was just diagnosed last year with ADHD that I have ADHD and I shared it with my folks.
[1:00:51] The only reaction was oh really.
[1:00:57] Neither of them has said a single word about it since nothing but it was like I didn't even say it through your story Barbie,
also my willingness to share about ADHD it adults do have it majority of adults it was just undiagnosed is that,
there is no shame around it.
[1:01:20] There is no shame around it we all experience it and when you look on social media this Fairytale life that you have right now Barbie is that it wasn't always fairytale in that the struggle is there,
and it's okay and you're not alone you're not alone.
[1:01:40] I think that's a message that so many people need to hear and that's why my willingness to come out and talk about my mental health.
[1:01:50] And listen I am not going to recommend anyone do anything without a doctor's whatever but I don't take medicine.
I have they told me I'd never get off of medicine and I haven't taken medicine in.
I'm going to venture a guess at like 16 ish 17 years.
[1:02:11] And like I said I still was making poor choices but then like that's a self-esteem thing that wasn't a depression thing.
I have to watch myself I caught myself the other day literally after I made that post.
I freaked like the post I made Friday about my mental health freaked out a little bit Friday and I'll me freaked out I mean just like I'm I'm fucking scared it was scary to do that that is every one of my skeletons.
Hey look at me naked for cures like yours literally like you know and so it was a freaky thing I needed to go hang out with wigs and spend some time with my friends and get away from my house I didn't work Friday I'd planned on it was just like you know what I just,
but I know now and I think having honesty with yourself.
I'll speak to myself I don't want to I'm not putting it on anyone else but like honestly with myself so I feel frustrated if I feel like I'm getting depressed,
I know I need to change my music I can put on a different playlist on my music and it'll help my mood if I'm feeling you know like I said I was scared the other day that was just such a.
[1:03:19] I don't see it was a ballsy move like I know it needs to be talked about I know it's the right thing to do was scary as fuck.
[1:03:28] To put that out there and to so I just I really don't like I'm reading my hands it's all about it right so like I will all feel a little bit anxiety about stuff that I know what I feel I'm like okay like
go drink some chamomile tea by real help but I know like I have stuff in place today,
so I know I have a happy-go-lucky playlist that you can't tap your young cat not like dance to like it's just
so super super awesome makes Vine to stand like put it on your like a playlist get you know Bob Marley No Worries like I can play that song and I'm literally just want to dance all my shop it just,
being honest about like if I know that certain situations bone layout then stay out of them,
if there is like like art even if you don't feel like you're creative whatsoever take a lump take a 10-pound thing it clay,
squeeze it yeah so it's cathartic even if it's not even if you can only roll that clay into a ball.
[1:04:25] That's this cathartic you've made a shape making a joke make a giant get whatever you want say whatever you want you're welcome let's go do something,
if you can draw the draw if you can't draw but you'd like to call her get some coloring pencils and get it like this,
get a coloring book with swear words it goes exist right,
find some kind of Outlet find something to focus on because I can give you my experience when I focus on how awful my life was.
[1:04:59] You're literally pouring energy into that thought which is just.
Snowballing and it just you know that you feel bad for feeling bad and then you're like oh we oh my life is good I shouldn't feel bad I still awful feeling bad like this people have a worse you shouldn't have you know all that shit right there when you're focused on all that it literally Dumber spirals.
[1:05:21] If you're not feeling good if you're not feeling happy if you're not feel find some kind of creative outlet for me it's been art like I said.
[1:05:29] Football I am selling this interview but I literally I had zero artistic talent when I decided to be a metal sculpture this is what I decided to do I figured it all out wow,
zero there was nothing
my handwriting is still freaking egregious my I'm learning to draw I got like drawings on my I know you can't sit for you I got drawings on my phones like I'm hurting too sharp you draw,
I'm good with Sharpie I can write my name on people's faces when they were passed out like that's my girl,
no I've always been good with the Sharpie like this there was no creative Talent whatsoever so if it's something like,
Hobby Lobby like it's like 10 bucks for like is 10-pound thing of clay or go get Play-Doh taste delicious don't eat Play-Doh garden like this
oh my gosh we all said like find some kind of creative Outlet.
Go and buy a two by four and a box of nails and a hammer it is literally just Hammer this shit out of the nails are the two by four find a way to do something.
That is not sitting in the house and feeling bad for yourself.
When you focus on something that is outside of yourself regardless of what it is then your energy is going to that something like if you're focusing on your neighbors,
pitch the next what you're going to get but if you focus on,
I'm just going to nail these I'm going to try to make them make them all the same height nail these it's you're focusing on something outside of yourself.
[1:06:57] That's Sound Advice my friend its inspiration here and I tell you what this probably is a good time to launch into the Red Line Round because,
some of what you're talking about goes right into the red line where you'll be able to just knock this out of the park,
what the redline round is is it's just five rapid-fire questions there's no right or wrong answer to him whatever pops into your heads the right answer,
and you actually just teed the first one up and kind of shared it who or what has been your inspiration throughout your journey in the industry.
[1:07:30] Oh gosh Jessi Combs was my first as far as a woman.
Students just shattering glass ceilings I got to eat her in 2017.
It's fucking immediately loved her she's like everything else,
you meet your hero they just like oh my gosh I would love to meet you Hiro and then you hear people that need two Heroes and heroes a task
in person I met her and she is just so deeply humbled like she knew who I was like I'm fangirling on her and she's like Barbie,
she's so down-to-earth and just so badass and just.
Oh man just absolutely deeply admired just everything about her and being bulky same thing that just like I fangirled on Bogie and Brody was totally just,
so down to earth like immediately best friends with her you know and just like the work ethic I'm both of them.
The the tribes like the just shattering opening the industry up for women showing women that yes like we can do it doesn't matter you know.
[1:08:38] It doesn't matter who you are if you want to,
no be a mechanic you kind of Wonder well you can't anyone can do it absolutely I said those two definitely my heroes awesome Barbie where do you go or what resources do you use when you want to learn something new or you get stuck.
First and foremost is probably YouTube if I'm trying to figure out like,
my social media isn't doing well what's going on I look for new algorithms and stuff I'd like to look in YouTube a lot on YouTube smart,
when it comes to self-improvement I dive into books right now my favorite favorite authors Ryan holiday he has written.
[1:09:17] Three of what I think are probably the best books that ever existed and that is the obstacle is the way as number one on my list like if you don't read anything else,
read the obstacle is away silence is a key which is the one I just finished today I'm right it like several times audio audio book like if I drive anywhere I usually got an audiobook running,
so this is a key the obstacle is away and.
He's actually wrote a quite a few books but those those three that deal with stoicism and stoic philosophies I'm,
really like really getting into stoicism I think it's just a gift you're going to have to provide me a list,
I guess you've rattled off a few and I'm like oh we gotta share the list of Barbies goodies here so folks can go check those out so I'm totally gonna have you email me those and include them,
I will do that I'll give you my top 5 masteries heck yeah man,
what excites you most about what you do unlimited potential.
There is so much freedom in mile there's so much Freedom as an artist I literally can do whatever we want to,
I'm just incredibly like had no idea my business would leave me where I am I didn't intend to.
[1:10:44] Do what I'm doing I just wanted to make art but.
There's a limitless and freedom in like uncrating creatures right now like characters and creatures there's no limit so like if I want to put bat wings on a girl I can hmm I just find like this deep.
Sense of fulfillment in.
In creating the characters and like with metal like there's no limits to what I can do with them you know like and I bend it like this hard material to my will which is pretty powerful failure it's empowering.
[1:11:21] What is a personal habit or practice that has helped you significantly in this industry or your journey in the industry.
[1:11:31] Two things one I can talk about work wise and one is personal workwise is just practice,
I compete against myself every damn day I do look to others for potentially like where I want to be or for inspiration,
but at the end of the day I judge myself against myself I will never look at another artist you go I wish mine like all my stuff isn't that good no I look at my art today and say is it better than what it was yesterday,
and that goes for anything that you're doing just a sidebar really quick like mentally mental health wise.
[1:12:06] Anything in your personal life do not judge yourself against anyone else because you were judging your day one against someone else's day 100,
and that's not fair so like if you're in AA George your day one against your day one maybe you want to look at some of these got 30 years sober,
judge your day while I try to be better today than what you were yesterday that's the only way to win when we judge yourself against other people,
it's a freakin lose game that you'll never win against someone else's you have no idea you don't have the same experiences the second thing that if I can attest My Success to anything personally,
I was actually meditation I've done it since I was a kid not always all the time and definitely like in my dark time I was not doing it,
I say my dark time and I'm sure there's better word for it but like when I was screwing up I wasn't,
I meditate on almost every single day basis I would playlist that I've made on YouTube of different meditation stuff and I play it overnight on a loop while I sleep.
[1:13:09] Right now I'm actually working on money but like there's always like I've got like this spirit animal thing I love animals I'm very,
very nature Banks and so I have the first one is spirit animal that's when I go to sleep fall asleep listening to the rest of them right now I'm totally focused on money and,
raising my money mentality and.
Really like honoring the pieces that I'm making with my upbringing was kind of hard to be like oh this is a hundred bucks knowing I put like 50 Cent's and scrap metal into it.
[1:13:41] But wrapping my brain around the fact like there is nothing else like this that's right no one else will ever feel like putting it on putting a hundred dollars on that is just shameful so I like my money is definitely.
[1:13:54] Probably my last challenge I'm going to say I'll never stop being challenged but as far as like myself.
Always always work to improve myself but the money is like my last big hurdle that I miss like this one.
Like this is just going to change everything when I get it's about honoring myself on my art is about honoring a lot of stuff that body like growing up with the money mentality that I had.
[1:14:22] Josh is definitely has put me in really bad situations I'm so glad that you talked about that it's something that we haven't talked about on the podcast and it's so critical because it's just about.
[1:14:36] Personal worth in there's personal worth and then there's your business worth,
and you go through this personal evolution,
where someone has their nine to five job and you know their pay raises are directly proportionate to their own personal worth in the value that they feel they provide the company and then it's a whole different.
Level when it's your own business and understanding the worth around your own business in your own work that I'm so glad you brought that up,
in Barbie finally what is your parting advice to other Femcanics finding their way in the skilled trades industry.
It comes down to practice.
[1:15:23] Whatever it is whether you're a plumber or an auto mechanic or a welder it's about honoring your craft,
by honoring your skills which also honors yourself and it goes back in the self-esteem your job in the skilled trades is to grow yourself into the best possible version of yourself that you can,
as a human being and as a tradesperson,
freshman skip over everything I think it's just so with me with the craftsmanship that's what led me into good self-esteem like I finished a job and be like,
young girls are looking good you know the thing is is like by by honoring my craft.
[1:16:07] Allowed me to walk away feeling good each day what had happened was people that are in the trades are seeing.
How I'm honoring myself and my craft and that's how we're going to blow these glass ceilings open is by going in and yes putting in a damn good day at work and doing everything you can yourself.
You're asking for help if you need it because of what should but also when Aaron handle your shit you know say only do whatever you can to improve yourself.
And bring as much of value to the table as possible there's a caveat to that if you're not being treated with love respect and kick rocks and go find a place that will,
because there are so many places out there they're looking for skilled Tradesmen they don't give a flying rat's ass what color you are or what your sex is they watch skilled Tradesmen they'll go in and handle their stuff.
Without an attitude right yeah just go in and put in the best damn day or that you possibly can on yourself by being the best version of yourself everywhere,
and again if you're not being truthful of respect then kick rocks love it people out there who will,
deeply honor exactly what you're doing and where and how can people connect with you Barbie.
[1:17:25] So I'm easy to find round just Search bar be the Walter let's see YouTube Instagram Facebook Tick-Tock I'm new tic toc in the last six months and madly in love with that I'm really active on LinkedIn.
[1:17:40] It depends on what you're looking for right so each of the different social media platforms are let me do different stuff Facebook is like you know like,
I guess my average top is Facebook like my mom and dad are on there keep that mostly clean Instagram I put the welding the badass stuff on there,
YouTube is where I teach so if you're looking to learn how to do metal art or how I'm making my sculptures to see how I make them I share that I got a new motorcycle new to me,
I'm going to be building that so the bike build is going to be on YouTube so if you like motorcycles come check that out I'm learning as I go of no freaking clue what I'm doing but I figured out with stuff before,
LinkedIn I love love LinkedIn because it allows me to really put out that inspirational stuff that is,
so I've got get like this pick something I have to bed answer you I love to do I love to do the goofiness let's check taxi I'm a goofy side on sector but like that inspirational stuff is LinkedIn and,
just like I love because all the different platforms allow me to bring something a little bit different so I might post the same picture,
like jazz I do on Instagram one day but there's made total different message on LinkedIn so if you follow me on one you want to know the other one just go check it out.
[1:18:55] So I'm out there goodbye Barbie thank you so much for being in the driver's seat today and your willingness to be vulnerable
I have so much respect for you,
not just as an artist and what you're doing as a business professional and as a business owner and representing women and helping women break through the glass ceiling.
I think ultimately just you as a person. Kudos to you I have mad love and.
[1:19:27] Thank you so much this is such an honor for you guys to take your time.
[1:19:35] Thank you very my name is Barbie the welder and I'm a Femcanic.
[1:19:44] Dez Ferrell is in the driver's seat next she owns Nessy's Customs a shop where she specializes in custom paint and Restorations.
She was recently a featured contestant on Motor Trends bitching boot camp.
Des brings us along her career journey and gives us a behind-the-scenes experience on bitching boot camp.
Be sure to tune in next week until next time Femcanics.
[1:20:11] Thanks for listening to the Femcanic Garage podcast you can find us on Instagram Facebook and Twitter at Femcanic Garage.
Check out our website Femcanic Garage.com for swag in the transcribed for each episode.
If you want to help grow this community do me a favor and subscribe rate review and most importantly share this podcast,
read the word this is Jayme B. signing off. ARE YOU FEMCANIC?